First Engagement of Self-Pity

It took me quite a while to have decided to write again. Haven't been able to express myself this way for more than a year now. Not sure if it has been taking a toll on me. There are so much things I wanna say and I somehow, just can't get the words out of my mouth. I get really emotional, I cry and feeling/looking all shitty.

The time seems to get nearer to the end and I am really upset. A part of me still don't understand why and I just have to keep asking myself that again and again. It is freaky to keep thinking about 'exit-ways' like dying. I am really tired living in this world. Nothing is fair, no one is listening, nobody understands. Being stuck in the middle all the time is just killing me! I don't wish to help yet I have to, I don't wish to leave yet I have to... These are all bullshit.

All I ask for is to be happy. I never expect that to be so difficult honestly. It always seems easier on somebody else. You see them getting attached, getting married, having kids... celebrating their 10th year anniversary... even when they are not making the most money, they survive and the key thing is - they are happy! Now, why the fuck I am feeling like it's almost end of the world. Or maybe I am hoping for end of the world. It saves my effort of researching on ways to die.

It takes great courage to kill yourself, you know that? And I totally feel it! When you are at your most depressed period, you really have no fear to hurt yourself. Surprise? I guess people who belong to the happy category will never understand. Ok, maybe you're not that happy either but not to the extend yet.

I swear it was all images of myself dying during that weeks of torture. I swear I was at the edge of whatever I can think of. Why am I still alive writing this today is because it wasn't just dying I was thinking of. There were tons of many other things on my mind... About what is going to happen to my family, friends, and the person who actually triggered this act of mine. I don't want them to be guilty or like they owe me for my life. I also wish them to be happy. If only I can be erased from their memory after death. Hmm.. I think that is something worth considering to invent.

Decisions are most of the time by force too, do you agree? It's like how you dislike your job but you still have to stick to it, faking a smile everyday cos you need a job to survive. You may have the option to move on to do something else you enjoy but is that such a simple decision? I definitely do not see people doing that easily. There are so much to think of and you struggle even to make a decision of taking leave off work or not - when you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed that morning, dragging to get outta bed.