It's been almost 6mths since we've moved here and he's least bothered to pack up his stuff. Today, I came to realise why. He was waiting for me to move out so he can start occupying the 2nd bedroom which I am using for my things now. Oh I see...
How hurtful that turned out.
Work is going nowhere, been to tons of interviews but nobody wants me. It hurts so bad that he doesn't want me either. He didn't even try. He was just waiting... for the time to come. Doesn't he has any feelings? Or at least have some feelings for me.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Disappear
I don't know how long more we are gonna last. He seems to be ready to let me go... but I am not. Or maybe I am.. I am really not sure. Sometimes when I think about how heartless he is to have asked me to leave, I really wanna leave and live better to show him that I can, even without him. But I still love him very much...
My dream of starting a family with him has broken. Not because he doesn't love me, but he doesn't love me enough to brave through the situation. I know it ain't easy for him either to choose a side. Well, he has given me the answer... It's me now who doesn't want to accept the truth.
Why am I still hanging on? Maybe a part of me still praying and hoping that miracle will happen. I don't know how good I will be without him.. I am scared. Sometimes I really wish I can isolate myself and just disappear.
My dream of starting a family with him has broken. Not because he doesn't love me, but he doesn't love me enough to brave through the situation. I know it ain't easy for him either to choose a side. Well, he has given me the answer... It's me now who doesn't want to accept the truth.
Why am I still hanging on? Maybe a part of me still praying and hoping that miracle will happen. I don't know how good I will be without him.. I am scared. Sometimes I really wish I can isolate myself and just disappear.
My Dad
I have a Dad who has endless money problems. My brother and I never had savings when we were kids. Well, actually we did have but it never last long in the bank. Now that we are grown ups, we still have not much savings. Or rather, I don't have any but my brother's all taken away by Dad. We never understand why and what Dad has to pay all the time... Time to time he will need money for fine tickets, car accidents etc.
Yesterday Dad called... Another $1000 cash advance from my credit card. I was really pissed and really upset. Why he never understand and think for his family? He is such a selfish person. He can have $10000 cash advance every mth for all I care, as long as he pay up! My worries is that if he doesn't, I will have to! How unfair is that.
It is so hard to live when you have your own relationship problem, work problem and money problem that aren't techinically yours.
I won't deny I imagined myself killing him.. more than once that has occured to me. I am not cruel or insane but he is driving me nuts! If that is the price to pay for his sperms to give me life, I rather not be born.
Yesterday Dad called... Another $1000 cash advance from my credit card. I was really pissed and really upset. Why he never understand and think for his family? He is such a selfish person. He can have $10000 cash advance every mth for all I care, as long as he pay up! My worries is that if he doesn't, I will have to! How unfair is that.
It is so hard to live when you have your own relationship problem, work problem and money problem that aren't techinically yours.
I won't deny I imagined myself killing him.. more than once that has occured to me. I am not cruel or insane but he is driving me nuts! If that is the price to pay for his sperms to give me life, I rather not be born.
First Engagement of Self-Pity
It took me quite a while to have decided to write again. Haven't been able to express myself this way for more than a year now. Not sure if it has been taking a toll on me. There are so much things I wanna say and I somehow, just can't get the words out of my mouth. I get really emotional, I cry and feeling/looking all shitty.
The time seems to get nearer to the end and I am really upset. A part of me still don't understand why and I just have to keep asking myself that again and again. It is freaky to keep thinking about 'exit-ways' like dying. I am really tired living in this world. Nothing is fair, no one is listening, nobody understands. Being stuck in the middle all the time is just killing me! I don't wish to help yet I have to, I don't wish to leave yet I have to... These are all bullshit.
All I ask for is to be happy. I never expect that to be so difficult honestly. It always seems easier on somebody else. You see them getting attached, getting married, having kids... celebrating their 10th year anniversary... even when they are not making the most money, they survive and the key thing is - they are happy! Now, why the fuck I am feeling like it's almost end of the world. Or maybe I am hoping for end of the world. It saves my effort of researching on ways to die.
It takes great courage to kill yourself, you know that? And I totally feel it! When you are at your most depressed period, you really have no fear to hurt yourself. Surprise? I guess people who belong to the happy category will never understand. Ok, maybe you're not that happy either but not to the extend yet.
I swear it was all images of myself dying during that weeks of torture. I swear I was at the edge of whatever I can think of. Why am I still alive writing this today is because it wasn't just dying I was thinking of. There were tons of many other things on my mind... About what is going to happen to my family, friends, and the person who actually triggered this act of mine. I don't want them to be guilty or like they owe me for my life. I also wish them to be happy. If only I can be erased from their memory after death. Hmm.. I think that is something worth considering to invent.
Decisions are most of the time by force too, do you agree? It's like how you dislike your job but you still have to stick to it, faking a smile everyday cos you need a job to survive. You may have the option to move on to do something else you enjoy but is that such a simple decision? I definitely do not see people doing that easily. There are so much to think of and you struggle even to make a decision of taking leave off work or not - when you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed that morning, dragging to get outta bed.
The time seems to get nearer to the end and I am really upset. A part of me still don't understand why and I just have to keep asking myself that again and again. It is freaky to keep thinking about 'exit-ways' like dying. I am really tired living in this world. Nothing is fair, no one is listening, nobody understands. Being stuck in the middle all the time is just killing me! I don't wish to help yet I have to, I don't wish to leave yet I have to... These are all bullshit.
All I ask for is to be happy. I never expect that to be so difficult honestly. It always seems easier on somebody else. You see them getting attached, getting married, having kids... celebrating their 10th year anniversary... even when they are not making the most money, they survive and the key thing is - they are happy! Now, why the fuck I am feeling like it's almost end of the world. Or maybe I am hoping for end of the world. It saves my effort of researching on ways to die.
It takes great courage to kill yourself, you know that? And I totally feel it! When you are at your most depressed period, you really have no fear to hurt yourself. Surprise? I guess people who belong to the happy category will never understand. Ok, maybe you're not that happy either but not to the extend yet.
I swear it was all images of myself dying during that weeks of torture. I swear I was at the edge of whatever I can think of. Why am I still alive writing this today is because it wasn't just dying I was thinking of. There were tons of many other things on my mind... About what is going to happen to my family, friends, and the person who actually triggered this act of mine. I don't want them to be guilty or like they owe me for my life. I also wish them to be happy. If only I can be erased from their memory after death. Hmm.. I think that is something worth considering to invent.
Decisions are most of the time by force too, do you agree? It's like how you dislike your job but you still have to stick to it, faking a smile everyday cos you need a job to survive. You may have the option to move on to do something else you enjoy but is that such a simple decision? I definitely do not see people doing that easily. There are so much to think of and you struggle even to make a decision of taking leave off work or not - when you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed that morning, dragging to get outta bed.
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